Rumi (A.S) had rightly written
“Wound is the place from which light enters !!”
We understand the meaning of these words when we have a wound big enough to crack open our hearts and let the light through in,
We are so lost in our lives that religion often takes a backseat until some adversities appear.Difficulties/Adversities/Wounds as they are interchangeably called are all His way of bringing us closer to Him whenever we go astray a bit too far.When a calamity befalls us ; we are ready to do anything to remove it ,to reduce our pain and to get the strength to overcome it.
I am also a product of addition and subtraction of such adversities , like everyone else I didn’t welcome them when they first appeared ,but now I do thank Allah , for they made me closer to my creator.As I was going through my difficult time I started thinking of what am I doing?, What did I do to fall in such a situation?? Is it because of my sins or is it testing from Allah? Am I doing things in accordance to what I am expected? and if yes, why is He not answering my prayers ? and with this very own question, I had a question for myself ,Why should He listen to my prayers, when I simply can’t even follow what he told me to do.
The time of self contemplation lasted few months, I first thought of wearing Hijab two years ago, I bought two scarves, started to wear them on my way to office and took it off before entering my office, I couldn’t muster the courage to wear it in public moreover in front of people who knew me, the fear of an image lost, how will I look, my hair style, what will they think about me and many more fears, I couldn’t win from my own fears then and I gave up the idea of wearing Hijab.
The thorn of a battle lost to my own devil always kept my heart sad , the grief was even more saddened when I came back to Europe where I saw girls wearing their Hijab so proudly, Seeing them everyday I had a weird feeling like I was a thief and I had stolen something. Whenever I was praying or reading Quran, the remorse was getting stronger, I had many questions in my mind like:
- Am I a munafiq? Pretending to be someone else publicly and as soon as I get home, I am a muslim again.
- When I was outside ,muslim women and men didn’t acknowledge me, How will they ?, I didn’t look muslim! then How will Allah acknowledge me and my Prophet on the day of judgement?
- What am I ashamed of ? – Of being a muslim or acknowledging my religion in public ?
- What about my Shahada that I say every time in Salah/prayer, when in reality I am not even ready to wear Hijab, which means to acknowledge my faith publically , I am not even ready to compromise on my fake looks a little bit, Is this my testimony that I gave to Allah and my prophet ?
I was fighting a battle inside my mind and heart everyday, I prayed to Allah during ramadan to give me guidance and peace, I decided to talk to my fiancé about this, He listened to all my fears and asked me simply , ‘when do I want to start wearing my Hijab ? ‘ I said soon , He asked me ‘what if you die tomorrow , Do you want to die without wearing your Hijab?’
My eyes were filled up with tears, ‘That is not how I want to be raised up in front of Allah.’, I thought. I instantly decided in my heart to wear it from now on, so I went out to buy few Hijabs,the basic colors first ,some pins, some headbands, Watched few tutorial on youtube, tried few styles, chose one which was easy and suiting me and voila I was ready to go with my Hijab, next day to work.
I was nervous the first day , as if everyone was looking at me, but actually nobody cares, I was checking my pins all day in office washroom to check if my Hijab was in place, most of my colleagues are professional enough to show no reaction of my new look , thanks to them ,it helped me to remain calm, so the first day went pretty well.
From next day onwards I started enjoying putting my Hijab every morning, wearing it proudly and the troublesome voices in my head have faded away, I felt much more at peace to win my lost battle.
Insha Allah I will continue to put it always.