How to stop being Judgemental ??

Life is a constant process of learning, unlearning and relearning things or ‘better things’  would be more appropriate  ,  in order to make our and others life better. In the first 20 years of my life I was just learning things, the process was to grasp as much as possible from my surroundings and observations, there were some analytical processes in background but not much.  The time after my twenties started with the unlearning process of many things I have known in wrong way, and re learning started in parallel, the struggle is ongoing and I guess it would remain the same till we are alive. We are in constant process of learning stuff and this quest should never end.

One of the things we learnt while growing up is judging things. We need to have our judgement about life, everyday situations and what we think of others. A person without an opinion is considered to be dumb at least in my society, so everyone is always expected to have an opinion about everything. Is having an opinion also a part of judgement? I think yes, otherwise how can I have an opinion about someone If I didn’t judge and how do I give my opinion ?  I put other person in my shoes and think what could I have done in this case. Yes , you read it correctly I didn’t mistyped the line, I actually meant we put other person in our shoes, rather than being in his shoes because we are still judging him somewhere, the process is so much part of our thinking mechanism that even while saying not judging we are actually doing it .

What can we then do about it?  Many things, first  we need to constantly put a check on ourselves whenever we form an opinion, Are we judging someone based on so and so reasons?  You can either agree with someone or disagree with, when you do not agree to somebody’s idea, thoughts or actions which is not in accordance to your school of thoughts, and form an opinion about it, it often end up in bad judgment. To be aware is problem half solved.

There are many ways how people handle it, the best one I have come across is  a method/formula. Being an engineer, formulas goes more quickly into my head  and are  easier to remember. It is called DUAL method, I have put it down here for you.

 

DUAL Method :

dualmatrixDon’t pass judgment: Hold on to the urge of passing a judgement. Take some time to think.

Understand: Try to understand the situation, circumstances .Two people can react differently to same situation. Try to walk in his shoes and see through his perspective.

Accept: Accept the person with his faults, his different opinion and choices.

Love: Love the person as fellow human being, nothing can beat  love and compassion.

A very good article where you can read more on this method  is mentioned below:

Reference for DUAL method :http://zenhabits.net/a-simple-method-to-avoid-being-judgmental-yes-that-means-you/

Advertisements

25 thoughts on “How to stop being Judgemental ??

  1. I loved you post,
    And read almost every post on Zenhabits.net.
    I am great fan of Leo, I have learnt many things from him, I am a regular reader of his blog.
    I am glad to see the reference link you have given. Its beautiful, i find more close to you now.

    Beautiful post, you have explained by Dual method.

    Loved your post. Its absolutely true.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Actually my post is inspired by your last post about Compassion. I also think the same way about being judgemental. While researching on internet ,the best one I came across was from zenhabits.net . It is an inspiring blog , like it too. and Thanks for reading my posts and your generous comments.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Pingback: 3 Quotes 3 days – Day 3 | IshmaImroz

  3. You know Sana, sometimes you practice this and in the end you either just end up exhausted or you end up blowing up all the efforts.
    Ive been trying to practice this. Amd it worked to some extent, but one of the sideffects was that I lost all sense of myself. When people do something mean to you, and you try to justify it by looking at it in their perspective, and you conclude that they had a valid reason, all it does in the end is invalidate your pain. You stop allowing yourself to feel upset.
    And that isn’t exactly bad, no.
    But having my own feelings numbed feels unhealthy to me…
    Not that ive completely stop practicing this. It does prevent a lot of unnecessary drama and maintain the harmony that you aim for with the people around you. Its healthy in a way, but I guess there are side effects too.
    So is there some other formula to balance this equation out?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes my sister, you are absolutely right. I think this post that I wrote and what I read and mentioned in reference covers more about judging others on their actions as a third party where we are not affected but we still have an opinion of their actions. For the case you mentioned ,we are directly involved and we indeed have a judgement, I dont think DUAL could be applied 🙂 we need to define our own formula. I do the same ,try to understand why somebody did so and so thing based on his circumstances , it reduces my pain indeed, i donot react for first time , sometimes people realize and their ego doesn’t want to say, but you can sense the change in their behavior , This is also fine for me, for others who constantly hurt you without even considering and it is so normal for them, i try to talk to them about it ,sometimes it works , sometimes doesnt and if that also doesn’t work, i keep a distance with them.A distance that they know that I am no more emotionally connected to them, whatever they say will not affect me now but I don’t hate them either,, they are a discomfort sometimes 😉 but I bear them for love of Allah !!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Yes… Thats one solution. Too maintain a healthy distance between those people when they don’t want to accept that they’re being hurtful…
        Ive done that a couple of times… In fact recently a friend realized her mistake only after I distanced her. So she called and apologized. I cannot tell you how happy I was just to be talking to her again, lol.
        I think distancing ourselves helps establish our worth in people’s eyes.
        Thank you, Sister Sana 🙂
        This was a great post.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. hehe..at end of day we are all humans ,we love people we miss their presence and I am glad she realized and called you back, she is a good hearted person ,she took time to notice change in your behavior and realized it quickly. I remember I had a heated conversation with a friend after that we stopped talking, after few months we met and we have forgotten what was the topic even 😀 I love your feedback and insight you bring to my posts 🙂 Thanks my dear !!

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Yes. We’re all humans at the end and part of being that is that we make mistakes. It’s something that we need to accept. It makes things easier when we accept.
        And yes, I can imagine.
        I swear reuniting with friends that you had an argument with is the best feeling in the world! 😀

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Excellent post Sana. Didn’t know about the DUAL method. I could relate to what you said about unlearning and re-learning stuff. I’m in the latter half of my twenties, and I feel I am much more secure when it comes to being affected by people’s opinions. In my younger days, I would be conscious of what people thought of what I did or said. Now I try to think about the bigger picture (in addition to trying to understand the reason behind why someone said something). More often than not, I find such things to be trivial in the long run.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Ershad for always giving your valuable feedback 🙂 I also got better after crossing that age level but I do get thinking if someone tells me something ;things do affect me and I have to use my analysis , experiences etc to minimize their effect.

      Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s