Self help Diaries -1

I sometimes write to find answers to questions my mind is baffled with. I don’t know how many of you do it but it definitely works for me.Words waiting inside to be released , to be unleased. Answers buried deep down my subconscious, waiting to be found, to be discovered.

Constantly worrying over something? something consuming you? Write about it ! Some things need to be said and you need to be released from being their prisoner. I am constantly worrying for people who don’t worry ! Sounds strange ? Let me complete the sentence then, I am constantly worried about people who don’t worry about themselves and about others , who live mindlessly who don’t care for their and others’s future. This thing worries me. Infact it terrifies me.

I just take a pause then and take an aerial view of myself outside my body looking at my worried self. And I start by asking questions ? Am I responsible for them ? am I their provider ? Have I done my bit today? What more can I do ? If there is nothing else I can do I need to stop worrying there and then. Take few deep breaths and say a prayer for them and myself.

O Lord of the universe! the one and only ! who is complete and perfect ! guide me and guide them.Secure their and my future here on earth and in the hereafter .Teach us to live wisely and mindfully and be grateful and thankful for all what we have. Educate us and remove the darkness within our souls and fill it with your light.

Ameen.

Forever that never existed ?

For the promises that said forever and forever

I often wondered which forever?

their , mine or the one which never existed !

You and me , walking on the dimensional dimensions

where you are changing , I am changing , and these dimensions too.

These dimensions based on time, priorities ,

emotions and thoughts.

Are we going away or coming closer ?

Sometimes it’s a pulling push

Another time, it feels a pushing pull.

A dull Ache or brimming laughter .

Sometimes I feel we are on the same orbit

sometimes I feel I am another planet.

Between hearing and noise

between coherence and incoherence

between comprehension and apprehension

lie the promises of forever,

their’s, your’s, mine’s forever

or the forever that never existed ?

A woman’s quest for place called home

There is old saying that you should live like a traveller in this world since this world duniya as we like to say it in Hindi /urdu isn’t your real home. You should never let the feeling of permanence satiate you , as we all have to depart from this temporary dwelling to our permanent abode.

But as a woman specially a married woman we often struggle to find a home and to feel at home. The home where we have grown up as nestlings becomes only our parents home and we set off to build our own nest. You can be lucky if you can have an independent house of yours and if you are married in a joint family the struggle to adjust in another person’s home and his family and to feel like home may take a while . Though I have build my own nest I often long for my family members to be living there with me like it used to be when I was young.

This time when I visited my parents’s home ( I have decided to call it this way now , before I always referred it as my home until my latest visit) I had to stay there for almost 4 months due to covid 19 lockdown. I was in India for my holidays and just a night before my return the lockdown was imposed, all flights were cancelled and I couldn’t travel back.

The realisations started when your 3 year old niece started asking you questions like phuppoo when would you go back to your home ? since I was supposed to be on a short visit. Why don’t you live with us always ? You have a room up but why don’t you stay here? Her sense of belonging was so much stronger and assertive than mine , it’s her house after all. She has been born there and in those 3 years she saw me once when she was 8 months and which obviously she doesn’t remember anymore.

I wanted to tell her that a part of me is always there in that house and a part of me which is here writing this piece is continuously missing her parents and the childhood home she grew up in (with her crazy brother). A long timeline has slipped in between. The house is no longer the same , my parents are getting old now , though my brother is still a bit crazy and there are new members added in the family now. Another thought passed meanwhile that may be some day my these thoughts would be her thoughts too.

We as woman are continuously searching for our homes meanwhile building new homes and settling in the new spaces and then later to resettle in the gaps which our kids would leave with their moving out. I cant say my mother has coped up with my leaving completely. She still cries every time we part .

A woman is the migrant about whom nobody talks about. Living her life in bits and pieces left in different corners of her childhood , her parents’s home and her current home . She comes as a stranger in her husband’s home and later in life she feels stranger at her parents’s home. The quest of a true home always remains on.

Motherhood Chronicles-1

Motherhood brings with itself a lot of things new role, responsibilities , lot of love, sleepless nights, fatigue , lots of advice , criticism and lots of judgements.

From now on you will always be judged as a good mother or not ! And then good enough or not. My baby was only 2 weeks and I had already heard the phrase ‘ never saw a mother like you! ‘ which in my opinion wasnt in a very good way and it came when I wasn’t willing to lift my newborn to change his diapers alone outside in some restaurant (which means taking him to restroom few meters ways and holding him up all this while climbing all the stairs) .

So the story behind it goes below.

I havent seen a newborn around me until I had my own and I was always scared to handle babies, they looked so delicate and fragile to me so you can imagine me with my child the first few days ! I have played with few months old babies from time to time but thats it ! no first hand experience with infants and then there was another reason I refused to lift my baby . I had swollen hands and feets during pregnancy due to water retention which continued for few weeks after giving birth as well. I was not able to pick up anything heavy (even 1 kg was heavy for me that time) for long or without dropping it first so imagine lifting a newly born. I was scared to death and already having nightmares of having dropped the baby so to lift this tiny whiny creature with my then clumsy hands which were dropping things left and right I was so nervous and scared careful . I was doing it only when I had my husband next to me .

I had eventually overcame my fears , my hands were better and I had starting doing all things for my baby but those words will always echo in my mind.

I think we all need to be really kind to new mothers .

Blog updates 2019

Hi Everyone.Yes , you are reading it right! Its a blog post from me after a very long break and it was a happy break .Alhumdolillah I am a mom to a 7 weeks old baby boy now. We are both doing fine. The pregnancy brain fog didnt allow me to write or think anything except the baby. Now the things are settling in slowly and so is my brain so you will see me more often. See you soon with my next blog post.

A sad observation !

What do people with pain

Have with them

to give to others ?

Kindness , empathy may be

Or sometimes

it is just the pain.

A part of pain here

and a part of pain there.

Turning someone’s smile

into sadness becomes

their daily chores.

Mean , vile , poisonous

Words that sting and hurts.

Wicked smiles and shrewd

minds they become.

A pain they have gone through

An ember of pain which

they hold on forever ,

And refuse to let go.

Refuse to let it heal.

A pain which they share

With the world as Ripple effect .

The Blue Scarf

On a sunny autumn afternoon a  woman sauntered a shop to check scarves and under scarf caps( used by women who wears Hijab). She was checking few things for a while and then got stuck by the striking navy blue pashmina shawl , something similar she had been looking for a while . The scarf was put on display at the door.

She inquired from the shop keeper  a tall guy with a dark beard, skull cap on his head and a big prayer mark on his forehead. ‘Where can I find that blue scarf  inside the shop ?’  he pointed her to a row of scarves without looking at her.

The woman went to that shelf, there were indeed pashmina shawls, she checked them one by one , much to her disappointment the blue shawl wasn’t in there. She picked up other two colors that she liked thinking the blue shawl might be over. She went over to the counter to pay ,there was another woman before her so she waited for her turn.

The shopkeeper to the woman : ‘Why are you  not buying the blue shawl ?’

W: ‘ I wanted to buy it but  I think it’s over, couldn’t find in that section .’

The shopkeeper turning red, raising his voice : ‘ If you could have used your eyes, you would have find it, Allah gave  brain to women as well but they dont want to use it. Come I will show where is the shawl, Learn to use your eyes and brain. What do you mean you cant find it, it is there ! See. ‘

The woman heard it disbelievingly. No it can’t be true what he said, she must be day dreaming , he cant treat a customer like that, For a lot of people the response could be a fight , but hers was freeze. She couldn’t utter anything from shock. Meanwhile her eyes met the helper standing next to the shopkeeper , his hand on his mouth , and as soon as his eyes met the woman’s he pleaded her to ignore the guy .

The woman still in shock, paid quickly , thinking there must be a problem with the guy, after all who treats customer like that. The shopkeeper now turning soft, ‘oh are you an Arab ? ‘ The lady shook her head to say no,  ‘oh it doesn’t matter ! Here is your change, have a nice day! ‘

The woman didn’t say anything and leaves with a trail of thoughts not willing to leave her mind for a day or so.

To calm herself down, she was constantly explaining herself, he must be a sick guy , there might be a problem with him, while her alter ego was provoking and shaming her for being such a meek and a fool in front of that guy .

‘Why you didn’t throw the stuff on his face and walked off,’

‘Why you didn’t shout at him ! ‘

‘ You know you have just encountered a pathetic misogynist ‘.

The voices in her head, didn’t want to shut . She had indeed been insulted by a misogynist. She really wished and hoped that this  guy should learn his lesson one day .  Her heart went out to all such women who are living with these men and suffering every day. She has just felt an iota of that hurt and feelings that those women go through every day and sometimes some of them didn’t have a choice to even walk away.

images

And you can imagine who that stupid woman was that day!

 

When do we start being a Positive or a negative person ?

11 year old me: Abba , when I am praying or Reading Quran my mind always wanders off but it doesn’t happen when I watch tv or read another book which means I am only reading from my tongue but my heart and mind is not in there. I am so upset at myself.

Abba : (laughs firsts) I am glad you noticed it , please keep trying to focus and it will come inshallah . 

me: I feel bad that my prayers will not be accepted .

Abba: Look there is always a positive way to look at things . First of all you have realized it and you  already know what should you do about it. Even though you feel the prayers are not good enough there is still a part of your body ( your tongue) which is still busy in ibaadah of Allah swt, things are not as bad as we think they are. You keep trying to focus and soon you will pray with full focus and attention.That’s how we all learn and practice.

The above conversation is at least 20 years old between a 10 or 11 year old me and my paternal grandfather . It is one of the many wonderful memorable conversations I had with him which have shaped the person I am. It was the first thing that played in my mind yesterday after talking to a friend who refuses to see the positive side of life and not being optimistic for the days when things will be better. She told me I am not as positive person as you are which kept me thinking for long , what could be the reason for this difference in positivism where she clearly is lacking. Is it part of personality? Is it learnt  by self  with a conscious effort ? or is it constantly fed by our surroundings and people around us in our formative years .

I think all three reasons are valid and the most important one is the last one. The people around us, our parents our family , our environment,if they are positive or not. A child picks up the first vibes  and outlook to see life from his surroundings. Is my life or any other person’s life different from each other in terms of daily struggles ?  We are all in our bubble of life, struggling to survive and to be. We all have our share of problems and griefs, there might be difference in level and gravity of problems but we all have our share so why is it that some people could bounce back after a setback or problem while others cannot ? where is that subtle difference ? that difference might be coming with the  positive attitude in life. I think it is very important to create a positive environment around us for  ourselves , to preserve our sanity and imbibe the positive thinking in our children.

 

 

Book Review: Expendable By Sahar Abdulaziz

Love the book ! One of the best one so far from Sahar Abdulaziz.
REVIEW: How much should one try to keep up the relationship or is it best to walk away from an abusive marriage or Relationship? Sums the summary of book. The story is about Bella a young girl caught in such a marriage which revolves around a narcissist person ,her husband Logan who is a perpetual liar and womanizer. Bella wants to do everything to keep up this marriage which landed up her in a psychological department of hospital when she tried to commit suicide. What call Bella takes now for saving her life is totally in her hands ! I will not kill the suspense of this book by telling you the complete story. I love the character of Prim and Ike too ,Bella’s friends who helped her out. The book also raises awareness for mental health and how important it is to take care of it and of people fighting with it. After reading the book i could decode the meaning of guitar on cover , the butterflies and expendable of course 🙂 They all have reason to be there.

My Rating for the Book: 4 stars.

Self Love or Selfishness ?

I have often wondered about the difference between Self Love and Selfishness. How much of self love is okay and when does it become selfishness. Mostly the people that I have seen growing up were either in Self denial or Selfish. I have always come around the black and white brushes of Selfless and Selfish classification of people , the term  self love was new to me in early 2000 where people were writing books about it, sharing motivation quotes on it where they were changing the game of society . for example the mothers who were going out to work leaving babies behind were  called Selfish , or working daughter in laws were selfish for not taking care of in laws and house chores. Where as on the other hand , self negligence and self denial were highly appreciated and admired qualities of being an ideal woman of 70s and 90s. Unfortunately what was often seen was a selfless person surrounded by bunch of selfish people sucking his/her blood and occasionally thrown with admiration remarks  and the poor one only thriving on these remarks.

Then comes the new era of people who are indulged in self love but are not selfish . They will take care of themselves and of others too . More of themselves and less of others 😉  almost negligible. They will force themselves on others because they think it is their right. They need the things that they need irrespective of situation around them. There is problem in their moral compass which fails to tell them where lies the problem. They are always just and right in their opinions , only others have done injustice to them so far. The difference between the previous era and current is the diminished paint of black and white and it is no longer easier to point finger who is selfish now. Everything has been neatly hidden under the carpet of self love without their conscious thinking.

I think the idea behind the post was not so much of rant which it turned out to be  but a conclusive and educative one,  to be aware of our own behavior and its impact to people around us. Where and how  do we set the limit to our self love ? I am not a fan of being in self denial, we should all strive to be happy which is our right but it shouldn’t be at cost of somebody else’s happiness. Our comfort , pleasures should not be come from somebody’s discomfort . Empathy is an attribute that we all need to learn and always keep  practicing it because there is never enough. There will always be situations where we will lack empathy and then we have to ask ourselves deliberately  practice it. Self love is good , much needed and deserved but we need to keep an eye on our subconscious or conscious evil self that it should never become selfishness.