Forever that never existed ?

For the promises that said forever and forever

I often wondered which forever?

their , mine or the one which never existed !

You and me , walking on the dimensional dimensions

where you are changing , I am changing , and these dimensions too.

These dimensions based on time, priorities ,

emotions and thoughts.

Are we going away or coming closer ?

Sometimes it’s a pulling push

Another time, it feels a pushing pull.

A dull Ache or brimming laughter .

Sometimes I feel we are on the same orbit

sometimes I feel I am another planet.

Between hearing and noise

between coherence and incoherence

between comprehension and apprehension

lie the promises of forever,

their’s, your’s, mine’s forever

or the forever that never existed ?

When do we start being a Positive or a negative person ?

11 year old me: Abba , when I am praying or Reading Quran my mind always wanders off but it doesn’t happen when I watch tv or read another book which means I am only reading from my tongue but my heart and mind is not in there. I am so upset at myself.

Abba : (laughs firsts) I am glad you noticed it , please keep trying to focus and it will come inshallah . 

me: I feel bad that my prayers will not be accepted .

Abba: Look there is always a positive way to look at things . First of all you have realized it and you  already know what should you do about it. Even though you feel the prayers are not good enough there is still a part of your body ( your tongue) which is still busy in ibaadah of Allah swt, things are not as bad as we think they are. You keep trying to focus and soon you will pray with full focus and attention.That’s how we all learn and practice.

The above conversation is at least 20 years old between a 10 or 11 year old me and my paternal grandfather . It is one of the many wonderful memorable conversations I had with him which have shaped the person I am. It was the first thing that played in my mind yesterday after talking to a friend who refuses to see the positive side of life and not being optimistic for the days when things will be better. She told me I am not as positive person as you are which kept me thinking for long , what could be the reason for this difference in positivism where she clearly is lacking. Is it part of personality? Is it learnt  by self  with a conscious effort ? or is it constantly fed by our surroundings and people around us in our formative years .

I think all three reasons are valid and the most important one is the last one. The people around us, our parents our family , our environment,if they are positive or not. A child picks up the first vibes  and outlook to see life from his surroundings. Is my life or any other person’s life different from each other in terms of daily struggles ?  We are all in our bubble of life, struggling to survive and to be. We all have our share of problems and griefs, there might be difference in level and gravity of problems but we all have our share so why is it that some people could bounce back after a setback or problem while others cannot ? where is that subtle difference ? that difference might be coming with the  positive attitude in life. I think it is very important to create a positive environment around us for  ourselves , to preserve our sanity and imbibe the positive thinking in our children.

 

 

If I can see my soul

I often wonder

what would I do

If i can see my soul.

Like I see myself

in the mirror whole.

Could I also paint 

like I do to my face .

hiding all its scars

and ugliness

under the base ?

Could it be ugly and poor

starved ,weak and old ?

With torn clothes ,

and skin with folds.

sobbing for help!

 

 

 

 

 

Lost-Part 2

How do I

name this feeling

Of avoid

Of escape

From my own self.

Fearing to stand

in front of myself.

Where it is

me against me.

Where the other 

asks the account

of life’s each day !

Of life’s each moment.

And I haven’t a penny

Of any worthy actions

to fill up the wasted

baskets of time.

Life is running

out of time!

These moments 

are evaporating.

Stronger I try to hold 

 faster they slip 

out of my hands

Like the grains

of a hot sand 

 on a summer 

Saharan   afternoon .

Lost

Lost in the ocean of people

So many around but none.

The emptiness surrounds

And I ask am I the only one ?

I distract myself

to this ongoing world.

Faking a smile and

sometimes a laugh .

Daily chores and work

Is only an escape a getaway

from my constant wandering

in jungle of thoughts.

I come back home

Tired and bored.

Only to find myself

waiting on the doors!

The thin line between being Proud and taking pride.

Some recent incidents and conversation in near past have left few open questions in my mind. How can we be sure that we are not being overconfident and proud while we assume we are simply taking pride in our things and being confident . The recent conversations with many  successful people have put me in this doubt if they are aware of the impression they are creating around as proud  and arrogant .

Being confident is a good thing , one need it always ! Speaking up your mind is another good thing but speaking trash is not . Being proud and passing judgement based on your experiences is not. At least I don’t expect it from educated elitists. Communication is an art and everyone needs to learn it. Conveying your thoughts with right words in right tone while being polite and sparing few seconds to think over what you are saying is utmost necessary before you put up your arguments . Getting aggressive , making fun of people , not giving others chance to speak and not open to listen to others ! so guys what are you doing in those debates and discussion groups , please get a training in communication and then grace us with your benign presences. My message to  Indian News channels who bring in any x ,y, z to get their Trps high and add some masala in their discussion panel.

Coming back to discussing the terms being Proud and taking Pride . When can we say someone is proud and arrogant than just being a dignified and satisfied being. We often use terms as proud parents , proud citizens etc when we are happy and satisfied with ours or near ones’ achievements or things we/they have. That’s a right thing to do but when we put others down, or put ourselves in higher position than rest or be self important to limits of superiority about self , there lies the problem.

Psychologists have even recommended to refrain from using the word Proud or Pride because it might lead you to be arrogant , to bask on something that has happened and it is dependent on external factors, it might lead you to err and be proud . Using the positive terms as dignity and self worth are much better. There is nothing wrong in respecting ourselves and demanding respect from people, acknowledging  our self worth, being more humble and showing gratitude for things we have and our achievements rather than just taking pride.  They are driven from inside, they give you positive energies to  transform you into somebody better which on contrary pride doesn’t.

I have been using quite a lot the word ‘Pride’ for example  when I started wearing my Hijab In one of the post I wrote  : ‘It’s a pride for Muslim women’ , What I meant is I am no less of a woman if I wear a Hijab than any other woman but my sentence could be very mistaken for being proud in negative way  that I am considering those who don’t wear Hijab as less. The word ‘pride’ came to fill up the gap and lack of respect we feel exists for Hijab clad women. It was  a defensive sentence because my post was to defend my position as Hijabi woman  , which now  I am self analyzing a year later after re- reading my posts . It could have been better If I would have omitted the word ‘pride’ and wrote : ‘Our dignity and self worth remains same as any other woman despite of what we wear, we feel  confident and dignified wearing our Hijabs ‘  could have been so much better with this.  S always think, weigh and then speak or write your words 🙂

Learning and improving should never be stopped .

Psychologists-have-even

References: 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/intimacy-path-toward-spirituality/201506/three-vital-differences-between-pride-and-dignity

 

When Life jibes !

Life has been taking few jibes over me since I lost my bag and everything important with it . Some of the funny ones I  remember are shared here :

  • Walking through your favorites stores without card or enough money, that too during sales season  and for a week ( almost killed me 😦 )
  • Laptop Charger got broken  (  we have a saying in hindi  ‘ Ghareebi mei aata Geela’  which literally translates to ‘ During Poverty you got your flour wet’ , that sounds foolish but it means  ‘In adversity everything turns bad’  )
  • You have a guest at home  expecting the best hospitality  and  you have limited cash.
  • You want to eat at a restaurant and then  the cashier tells you you they don’t accept credit card ! You come out with a sad face and broken heart.  Sigh** 
  • Beggars coming to you and asking for coins and how you wish you can tell them they have more in their bowl/cup  than you in your pocket!

Jokes apart,  I have received my debit card yesterday , life is coming back to normal again . Thanks everyone for your love , concerns and sharing your experiences with me .

There is an old age saying Whatever happens happens for good , it is true to an extent that we always have  learnings and awakenings from the darkest moments of our lives. I actually lived the difference between what we need and what we want in life in the last week. For example I want an Iphone or Samsung Galaxy S6 but my requirements can be fulfilled with a J5 or even lesser expensive one. I just need a smartphone which has decent features and suits my  budget so I picked up one such phone. Another example , We decided to do our grocery with what we need for a week to survive: some fruits, veggies, milk  ,eggs , oil and bread . It wasn’t expensive compared to my normal grocery tours where I spend hours musing and a heavy amount and then come back with everything not in my shopping list .The human needs are simple and affordable , they don’t force  you to go out of the way to have them. It is our desires , social pressure and inner complexes. Although there is part of world population which is struggling to meet their basic needs ,  the discussion here is for people who can easily afford them and are still struggling with their wants and  like to have which ultimately turns them unhappy  and demotivated.

I think the best life is a minimalist’s life,  just take care of what you need and leave the rest for others. Life will become easy and more peaceful. Another thing to add to my to list of 2017, incorporating the minimalist’s approach .

Have a nice weekend everyone !

quotes1

 

Welcome to the Age of Digital Anxieties

Recently read one of the article  from  Brain Pickings  called  We’re Breaking Up by Rebecca Solnit about Modern Non Communication and how it is changing our lives . My mind instantly found words to conform the behaviors  experienced everyday which I was communicating  through words like addictions , dependencies on internet and phone.Undoubtedly internet has changed our lives forever and there is no life imaginable without internet,without our Dear Phones held in our hands constantly .

Being a digital migrant and some of you might  be digital natives as well  there is constant surge of anxieties within us all the time, for example right now I have switched the tabs on my Chrome Window once  every 5 minute to check what’s happening elsewhere. I am always switching between my work laptop and phone. There is a constant anxiety to check Facebook or Whatsapp even if there is nothing really exciting happening .There is always this  feeling of  restlessness  to keep switching from what I am doing currently.  Is it  lack of focus and self control or boredom ?  Or is it FOMO , the fear of missing out on information ? My rate of getting  bored of whatever I am doing  is just ticking high with years passing by, I  always feel an urge to keep switching my focus , my concentration to something else of what I am doing in that moment.This need of doing many things at one time , this lack of interest in one thing as soon as you start it,  this lack of focus and attention of what a particular task deserves , it all annoys me in fact it bothers me. I want to be perfectly engrossed to what I am doing at that moment, that is how I was  but not any more .

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So far , I have been consciously minding myself and learning to discard these impulses, constantly reminding myself of how should I behave but the reality is  the anxiety of Digital Age  do exist and the struggle is also real , it is just that nobody is talking about it much until it will be an epidemic.The fact that you cannot be really alone even when you want to is disturbing ,to shut down your brain of everything else except where you want to focus is getting difficult everyday. To introspect, to muse requires lot of self motivation and practice than ever.

I am trying to regulate the behavior by switching off my data for few hours on work , going for a walk without phone, doing something for an hour without technology like reading a book , cooking , they are helping me so far. Do let me know how you deal with this untalked anxiety of our Digital Era would be great to know.

Reflections from Rumi’s Masnavi

This is the third week of Ramadan ,which is  also almost over and I hope all of you are doing great with packing up your energy buffers for the rest of the year, to be more precise spiritual buffers .Ramadan is not only about fasting and praying but a time to reflect upon our lives and how we can make it better both physically and spiritually.Ramadan comes as a mirror for who we are and what we are capable of doing. We pray five times diligently ,give alms to poor, fast from sunrise to sunset refrain from bad things like lying ,backbiting , hurting others, cheating etc ,this is a reflection of who we can be when we truly want and also of what we are not everyday when it is not Ramadan !!

Recently I was reading Volume 1 of Masnavi and  came across the wonderful story  about Yusuf A.S and his friend who gifted him a mirror. the conversation between them is beautiful , what I liked most  are the lines below :

“I brought you a mirror, O light (of my eyes), so that when you
look at your face you may remember me.”

then Rumi(A.S)  goes on to explain the deeper aspect of reflection.

What is the mirror of existence? Non-existence.(So) take
non-existence (as a gift), if you aren’t foolish

The existence of anything can really be felt by its non existence. While we are fasting and we feel the pain of hunger , we are nothing but reflection of food. May be that is why we go on cooking all the delicacies for our iftaar and  infact  we could hardly eat much after breaking the fast. What is the worth of  rich man’s wealth if he hasn’t suffered or realized the pain of poverty. A mere good reflection could be helping the poor. The life of duniya (world) is nothing but to give what you have be it a smile, a helping hand or a shoulder to cry upon. Give what you have to those who don’t and you will receive what you have not. Look out where you are needed , improvise solutions  of problem you have, maybe you will discover a way and   help others too.

givewhatyouhavetothose0awhodon27tandyouwill0areceivewhatyouhavenot-default

 

Will be back soon with more of my such reflections, do tell me if you like it or want to add  your thoughts.