Eid always brings Nostalgia

Eid for me always bring the Nostalgia of childhood Eids celebrated among the shade of my loved ones whose towering sheltering presences kept us off the life’s heat. 

Ab bas Eidey aati hai jaati hai lekin wo bachpan wali Eid nahi aati. 

( Eid now comes and goes but the Eid of childhood never comes)

 I remember the night before Eid was a long one, I could hardly go to sleep in excitement. Arranging my dress, shoes, bangles putting up Henna on my palms at night before Eid and trying to sleep with hands up in the air. Once I woke up with Henna design tattooed on my face along with my hand because I accidently put my hennaed hand on my face while sleeping, Talk about embarrassment and an Eid Nightmare as teenager, full Eid day was spent in hiding my tattooed face with my hair flicks and watching it over. I have some Eid Dress disaster stories too at hands of the most sought after people around Eid Mr.Darzi or Darzan ( Tailors) sometimes my Eid dress arrived squished and wrapped up in a small cheap shopper delivered just before we were leaving for Moradabad to see my grandparents at mercy and kindness of our thoughtful Darzi or Darzan nevertheless made my day.

We have always travelled on Eid to visit my grandparents, both of my grandparents maternal and paternal lived in the same city and we were lucky to celebrate with both of them. We had lunch with my father’s family and dinner at our Nana’s house and in between the two, Eid memories etching in my mind forever. 

My dadi ( paternal grandmother) had her signature style chole ( chickpeas) and Qiwami sewiyan( sweet vermicelli)  served with Imli Khajoor ki chutney( Tamarind and Date chutney)  and Dahi Phulki ( Fried Dumpling in a yogurt sauce)  , the standard offering for anyone visiting her to say  Eid Mubarak. We ( kids) always stuffed ourselves with it and not waiting for the elaborate lunch of Biryani, Kebabs and Qorma. Her Qiwami Sewiyan were the sweetest thing I ate in the world, it could be renamed as Death by sugar until I tasted the Arabic sweets dipped in honey and crying Calories. I could never finish my bowl and she didn’t like it, everyone else loved it and waited for Eid when she sets her foot in Kitchen to cook them. When my husband visited her first time, She was delighted to cook her signature dessert for him which he devoured and asked for more. 

My Nani was a great cook and loved feeding people, anything she cooked even if it was not good for her own liking, it was still great for others. I can still remember the taste of her Kebabs which she served with Imli and Pudina Chutney ( Tamarind and Mint Chutney), you can’t keep a count of how many you can eat once she start serving you from pan to plate.

Nanihaal or maternal grandparents’ home or the time spent there have a special comfort and place in one’s heart and mind, so does to mine and I often wondered why? Are you more loved here or is it because your mother is more loved here, may be because nobody judges her in her own home where she grew up, you love the importance thrown at her and how everyone kept asking her what she wants to eat or bring the things that she likes? You love the carefree laughing person she becomes once she is with her parents and siblings within the love fences, she left to create new ones for you as a child.  

So that was from my Eid Pandora Box, What memories did you have from your Childhood Eid ?

For You

When I first met you I wasn’t looking for anyone but a friend. We bonded instantly over the numerous similarities we share with each other. Sometimes my thoughts resonate in your mind and your feelings in my heart. You knew me so well in so less time we have known each other that the barrier of language doesn’t exist and I kept wondering how two people who do not know each other’s language could possible understand better than ones who speak your own language.

I was a strong woman looking for a strong man to share my life with, but over the time period I had given up, I was happy with the way my life was moving , I have accepted to be alone , to  manage my life  and everyday hurdles and then one day you just appeared  proving me all wrong. Allah has His ways of working secretly in people’s hearts; He loves to prove people wrong  about their sureties! When you are so sure about yourself and what you want, He is then there to prove you all wrong! Because there are layers of truths lying beneath your heart which one can never discover and reach until He the Almighty removes those covers of ego, greed and our self-love. You came as a mirror of my own self, sometimes showing me my better side and sometimes ugly side too. Probably I was too tired walking alone and you came as big tree where I can rest. One cannot be strong all the time and by struggling with life every day you keep on losing your energies and strength; you need stronger people in your life that can love you, support you, advise you and nurture you with their kind words and gestures and you just came in the right moment when Allah has planned it for us.

aa

The idea of getting dependent on someone used to scares me. What if that person leaves me and go? Where would I stand then? Will I be able to piece myself up together and walk again? My mind was so not ready to live with anyone, to be prone and expose my inner self and weaknesses. The decision to get married was difficult for my mind and its fears while the heart was at rest saying I knew you before we met on this earth and it trusted you instantly.

While all the time you kept asking me what I liked in you and why I agreed to marry you and I have always answered I do not know 🙂 which has always annoyed you and I love  to see your reactions. Well the answer is probably everything  , it is hard to decide what I don’t like about you. Our relationship is more implicit one where we hardly express and say many things, but for today since it is your birthday I decided to write and I am hoping you might read it too as you always read my blog 😉

Thank you Allah for bringing you in my life and I pray to Allah that He fulfil all your dreams and gladden your heart as you do to the ones around you.

High Expectations from your Spouse ?

I often have thoughts about writing on Marriage and Relationships but I always keep postponing since I  think myself a novice at advising people who are already married for years but I think I am experienced enough for newly married people or people going to be married soon .

Marriage is a wonderful bond where two people come forward with a  shared thought of spending rest of their lives together .Both of them have already a  set of expectations from each other .The main reason of conflict among newlyweds is often Higher Expectations which  lead to loss of trust and interest in married life which has just begun . We all live inside our  bubble world of dreams, we have an image of our future spouse in our minds how he/she  would be, how their behavior should be with us in our perfect ideal world

                                                             BUT

life is different so is every individual , Coming face to face with reality is a tough ride , how you take this ride and degree of your acceptance to it defines your future married life.The way you have lived your life until now is different from how he/She has been living so far.Coming together under one roof after spending almost half of your life somewhere else is already a  big move in itself.

Marriage is not only about getting new clothes, deciding wedding albums  and choosing honeymoon destinations . Marriage is a big responsibility of your own self towards another.Thanks to TV, Media for setting all wrong expectations in our minds especially for girls that  a prince charming will come to  take us away and we then say bye bye to all our life long problems.Life will be fun ! eating,  shopping and merry making ever after.  Sorry to say that , it only happens on TV and in stories.

The natural behavior of man and woman has lot more differences than you have actually read or thought about, and this you experience once you start living with your partner. Women are more emotional, more talkative and yearning for expressions of love from their husbands! Men on the other hand  are practical human race who have a set of things of to do everyday, wife also becomes a part of routine and the special something becomes everyday thing (my own thoughts ). It is not that he doesn’t love you now or you’re not special person in his life, this is how he is! Expressing as we expect them to  is not at all man’s thing! TV  and phones are their inseparable sweethearts. A daily tiring work routine completely takes off their energy to be so excited to see you in evening or talk to you incessantly! A good meal is preferred over  rant about in laws or maids or life in general.

How do we  women take it ? It often start with small complains first  and then these  complains become  arguments leading to fights and soon a loving new couple finds themselves amidst a fight every now and then.

  • I think first thing to do is never ever involve any of your parents in your fights. Solve it between you two.
  • If you think a discussion is leading into a heated argument, where one of you is losing temper, Stop it there. Tell him/her to discuss it when their mood is better. There is no point talking to an angry person who has no power to rationalize things.
  • Living by example, show your partner how you would like to be treated ,treat them that special way, First Give and then expect .
  • Find some common activity  to spend time with each other like cooking together, taking a walk outside or praying together .
  • Don’t force yourself on other person for things she/he doesn’t like.Respect their choices and opinions.
  • Don’t forget to celebrate the differences ! Of course we are not mirror images, there will always be differences but it should never come to our hearts.Once in while try to do things your partner likes to make him/her feel special. Wear their favorite color, cook or bring their favorite food.
  • Watch your tone while talking to your partner, we often take each other for granted . A well mannered tone with respectful words for putting your point could never lead to a fight.
  • Every human being has flaws ,our spouses and us are no exception either. We need to accept their flawed real version than the perfect version from our dreams .We have to overlook  each other’s mistakes and retain the sweetness of love.
  • Give it time, time is best therapy. Marriage too needs time like everything else. You would be soon well adjusted with each other’s way of life and know each other like nobody ever did.Watch-your-tone-while

Pre -Wedding Nerves ,Anxiety ?? Read on !!

Few days or weeks  before the wedding every girl is nervous , anxious , over emotional  or in other words  ‘getting cold feet‘  . The idea of spending your entire life with someone,  thoughts about uncertainty of future life, upcoming responsibilities etc makes you super nervous  even though you have known your future husband for a long time or not, doesn’t matter .

The most important thing in a marriage is being with the right person , rest everything comes later!!, good times ,bad times, relatives, in laws, etc,

If he is a righteous  person , he will stand by your side through everything.

Would like to share some of my  thoughts coming from my experience to calm you down and  be more sure  that you are going to hold  the  right hands .

You are with the right person if :

  • He respect your parents and get along with them well, whether it is an arrange marriage or not, you can always find out if he cares for your parents or not . Being a girl you cannot be happy if your husband doesn’t respect you parents .
  • Do you feel comfortable around him or talking to him? Are you able to share your feelings and speak your heart out ? Is he genuinely interested in  your feelings and gives you advice.
  • You feel more confident and content after talking to him.
  • He generally doesn’t make you wait , as he is more excited to see  or call you .
  • He is generally polite to other people .If he is polite to others, he can never be rude to you, it is not in his nature.
  • Surprise you with small little things that you love or  you never told him specifically  like your favorite chocolate or you favorite coffee, or a favorite flavor ,something you were talking about for long . It just shows how much he cares for you and your liking.
  • He tries to be friend with your friends 🙂 so you can all hang out together later !
  • You never feel tied up or stressed  because of the relationship , your heart is at peace for the choice you have made or your parents made for you (  an arranged marriages)
  • Last but not the least, He gives you ‘Your time’ to be alone or go out with
    your friends or do something that you like, not bothering you with phone calls or restricting you to go out with your friends or family.

Well, I think it’s enough to know that you are with right person so go ahead enjoy your time! and don’t forget to thank Allah for sending the right guy for you.

P.S: I tried to take into account also the arranged marriages in India  where you have courtship period to know your future husband .