The thin line between being Proud and taking pride.

Some recent incidents and conversation in near past have left few open questions in my mind. How can we be sure that we are not being overconfident and proud while we assume we are simply taking pride in our things and being confident . The recent conversations with many  successful people have put me in this doubt if they are aware of the impression they are creating around as proud  and arrogant .

Being confident is a good thing , one need it always ! Speaking up your mind is another good thing but speaking trash is not . Being proud and passing judgement based on your experiences is not. At least I don’t expect it from educated elitists. Communication is an art and everyone needs to learn it. Conveying your thoughts with right words in right tone while being polite and sparing few seconds to think over what you are saying is utmost necessary before you put up your arguments . Getting aggressive , making fun of people , not giving others chance to speak and not open to listen to others ! so guys what are you doing in those debates and discussion groups , please get a training in communication and then grace us with your benign presences. My message to  Indian News channels who bring in any x ,y, z to get their Trps high and add some masala in their discussion panel.

Coming back to discussing the terms being Proud and taking Pride . When can we say someone is proud and arrogant than just being a dignified and satisfied being. We often use terms as proud parents , proud citizens etc when we are happy and satisfied with ours or near ones’ achievements or things we/they have. That’s a right thing to do but when we put others down, or put ourselves in higher position than rest or be self important to limits of superiority about self , there lies the problem.

Psychologists have even recommended to refrain from using the word Proud or Pride because it might lead you to be arrogant , to bask on something that has happened and it is dependent on external factors, it might lead you to err and be proud . Using the positive terms as dignity and self worth are much better. There is nothing wrong in respecting ourselves and demanding respect from people, acknowledging  our self worth, being more humble and showing gratitude for things we have and our achievements rather than just taking pride.  They are driven from inside, they give you positive energies to  transform you into somebody better which on contrary pride doesn’t.

I have been using quite a lot the word ‘Pride’ for example  when I started wearing my Hijab In one of the post I wrote  : ‘It’s a pride for Muslim women’ , What I meant is I am no less of a woman if I wear a Hijab than any other woman but my sentence could be very mistaken for being proud in negative way  that I am considering those who don’t wear Hijab as less. The word ‘pride’ came to fill up the gap and lack of respect we feel exists for Hijab clad women. It was  a defensive sentence because my post was to defend my position as Hijabi woman  , which now  I am self analyzing a year later after re- reading my posts . It could have been better If I would have omitted the word ‘pride’ and wrote : ‘Our dignity and self worth remains same as any other woman despite of what we wear, we feel  confident and dignified wearing our Hijabs ‘  could have been so much better with this.  S always think, weigh and then speak or write your words 🙂

Learning and improving should never be stopped .

Psychologists-have-even

References: 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/intimacy-path-toward-spirituality/201506/three-vital-differences-between-pride-and-dignity

 

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Indians Living Abroad

Living in another country than your country of origin  has all its pros and cons , Besides it makes you over sensitive to the behavior of people around you and attached to every little detail that reminds you of your country, hearing a fellow speaking your language or smelling the familiar spices from the food  warming up in your office microwave always bring a smile on your face .

My work place has a lot of Indians so whenever I go down to cafeteria for lunch , I feel like I am in Bangalore or Chennai office with queues of Indians alongside the microwave to warm up their meals.The locals (Belgians)  prefer to take food from canteen except few who bring their lunch from home ,  mostly  it is us Indians who occupy all the microwaves during lunch time so normally it could take upto  10-15 minutes in the queue to warm  up your lunch.

Today was one such another day of waiting in the Queue, so when it came our turn to warm up, me and my colleague,  We decided to keep our boxes together and increase the timer instead of warming one by one. I think it took us less than 4 mins to finish ,  meanwhile we were standing there , there were those restless glances exchanged between the other Indians behind us as if we are taking a lifetime and those expressions of seeing a monkey on the microwave rather than a human being ! Generally they are polite and smiling when it comes to someone who is not Indian and cooking  his food in Microwave for more than 10 minutes, it was such a disgust in their eyes of ‘ O my God these Desi pendu people ‘ , I am still not over it ! I have seen them for almost two years near that microwave , either before me or after me , never smiling to anyone who is an Indian and not from their Company.

This is just one of many incidents which I can write a book about , I have actually came to the conclusion that we Indians never respect other Indians inside or outside our country .We still live in the mindset of  third world countries where the West is still superior to us.  Have  you ever seen an American or German or British  not respecting their fellow country men in a third country. ( The names for  these Countries are just for example sake ) Probably you won’t find many examples, but what I have felt and written here I am sure many Indians living abroad can relate to it.

The terms like ‘Arey ye to desi hai ‘ , Leaving the door on the face, bypassing the queue , Just because on the other side is a ‘desi’ and not a European .How easily we take the liberty of breaking the rules and disrespecting the etiquettes with another Indian , Why ? or in other words we do not respect our own self because every other Indian that you see around is a mirror image of you irrespective of what you wear and eat and this is how the rest of the world see us, we are only Indians for them  , It doesn’t matter if you wear western clothes or traditional Indian clothes , eat the Indian food or European food, hang out with others  Indian or Locals , Speak English with an Indian Accent or British Accent for the rest you are one Entity , one single identity  to be referred as Indians and if you are complaining about loopholes of a  third world society , we better leave those  habits that has still kept us in the third world , Why  these double standards ! If you love right to equality , no discrimination based on anything,  equal respect of  all jobs , practice it with all human beings, start right from yourself and your home first! Once we achieve this , our societies will progress with a big leap,  back at home and wherever we are.

Welcome to the Age of Digital Anxieties

Recently read one of the article  from  Brain Pickings  called  We’re Breaking Up by Rebecca Solnit about Modern Non Communication and how it is changing our lives . My mind instantly found words to conform the behaviors  experienced everyday which I was communicating  through words like addictions , dependencies on internet and phone.Undoubtedly internet has changed our lives forever and there is no life imaginable without internet,without our Dear Phones held in our hands constantly .

Being a digital migrant and some of you might  be digital natives as well  there is constant surge of anxieties within us all the time, for example right now I have switched the tabs on my Chrome Window once  every 5 minute to check what’s happening elsewhere. I am always switching between my work laptop and phone. There is a constant anxiety to check Facebook or Whatsapp even if there is nothing really exciting happening .There is always this  feeling of  restlessness  to keep switching from what I am doing currently.  Is it  lack of focus and self control or boredom ?  Or is it FOMO , the fear of missing out on information ? My rate of getting  bored of whatever I am doing  is just ticking high with years passing by, I  always feel an urge to keep switching my focus , my concentration to something else of what I am doing in that moment.This need of doing many things at one time , this lack of interest in one thing as soon as you start it,  this lack of focus and attention of what a particular task deserves , it all annoys me in fact it bothers me. I want to be perfectly engrossed to what I am doing at that moment, that is how I was  but not any more .

http---www.pixteller.com-pdata-t-l-476630

So far , I have been consciously minding myself and learning to discard these impulses, constantly reminding myself of how should I behave but the reality is  the anxiety of Digital Age  do exist and the struggle is also real , it is just that nobody is talking about it much until it will be an epidemic.The fact that you cannot be really alone even when you want to is disturbing ,to shut down your brain of everything else except where you want to focus is getting difficult everyday. To introspect, to muse requires lot of self motivation and practice than ever.

I am trying to regulate the behavior by switching off my data for few hours on work , going for a walk without phone, doing something for an hour without technology like reading a book , cooking , they are helping me so far. Do let me know how you deal with this untalked anxiety of our Digital Era would be great to know.

High Expectations from your Spouse ?

I often have thoughts about writing on Marriage and Relationships but I always keep postponing since I  think myself a novice at advising people who are already married for years but I think I am experienced enough for newly married people or people going to be married soon .

Marriage is a wonderful bond where two people come forward with a  shared thought of spending rest of their lives together .Both of them have already a  set of expectations from each other .The main reason of conflict among newlyweds is often Higher Expectations which  lead to loss of trust and interest in married life which has just begun . We all live inside our  bubble world of dreams, we have an image of our future spouse in our minds how he/she  would be, how their behavior should be with us in our perfect ideal world

                                                             BUT

life is different so is every individual , Coming face to face with reality is a tough ride , how you take this ride and degree of your acceptance to it defines your future married life.The way you have lived your life until now is different from how he/She has been living so far.Coming together under one roof after spending almost half of your life somewhere else is already a  big move in itself.

Marriage is not only about getting new clothes, deciding wedding albums  and choosing honeymoon destinations . Marriage is a big responsibility of your own self towards another.Thanks to TV, Media for setting all wrong expectations in our minds especially for girls that  a prince charming will come to  take us away and we then say bye bye to all our life long problems.Life will be fun ! eating,  shopping and merry making ever after.  Sorry to say that , it only happens on TV and in stories.

The natural behavior of man and woman has lot more differences than you have actually read or thought about, and this you experience once you start living with your partner. Women are more emotional, more talkative and yearning for expressions of love from their husbands! Men on the other hand  are practical human race who have a set of things of to do everyday, wife also becomes a part of routine and the special something becomes everyday thing (my own thoughts ). It is not that he doesn’t love you now or you’re not special person in his life, this is how he is! Expressing as we expect them to  is not at all man’s thing! TV  and phones are their inseparable sweethearts. A daily tiring work routine completely takes off their energy to be so excited to see you in evening or talk to you incessantly! A good meal is preferred over  rant about in laws or maids or life in general.

How do we  women take it ? It often start with small complains first  and then these  complains become  arguments leading to fights and soon a loving new couple finds themselves amidst a fight every now and then.

  • I think first thing to do is never ever involve any of your parents in your fights. Solve it between you two.
  • If you think a discussion is leading into a heated argument, where one of you is losing temper, Stop it there. Tell him/her to discuss it when their mood is better. There is no point talking to an angry person who has no power to rationalize things.
  • Living by example, show your partner how you would like to be treated ,treat them that special way, First Give and then expect .
  • Find some common activity  to spend time with each other like cooking together, taking a walk outside or praying together .
  • Don’t force yourself on other person for things she/he doesn’t like.Respect their choices and opinions.
  • Don’t forget to celebrate the differences ! Of course we are not mirror images, there will always be differences but it should never come to our hearts.Once in while try to do things your partner likes to make him/her feel special. Wear their favorite color, cook or bring their favorite food.
  • Watch your tone while talking to your partner, we often take each other for granted . A well mannered tone with respectful words for putting your point could never lead to a fight.
  • Every human being has flaws ,our spouses and us are no exception either. We need to accept their flawed real version than the perfect version from our dreams .We have to overlook  each other’s mistakes and retain the sweetness of love.
  • Give it time, time is best therapy. Marriage too needs time like everything else. You would be soon well adjusted with each other’s way of life and know each other like nobody ever did.Watch-your-tone-while

It is a come back post

Hi Everyone,

I am back from my much awaited vacations  in India, which got over too soon. I am still having a hangover effect from the holidays, still not back in my routine.I missed you all and reading your blogs. My head  right now is an overstuffed bag , full of stories and anecdotes struggling to come out, which one first ! ( Last in First out or First in First out ) !  I am planning to share them in small posts in coming days .

I actually took a break from technology and all devices, didnt use internet , phone or TV for two complete weeks which actually helped my brain to calm down from unnecessary information I was exposing myself to and getting worried for reasons least important to me, having anxiety and then feeling tired and sad. That didnt mean I had no stress at all, I had some stress during my brother’s wedding lots of work  for lone sister running upside down in heels and gharara (traditional attire) for few days , which  I compensated  well with some travelling done with my husband, it was his first time in India . So after spending few decades on earth I finally managed to see Taj Mahal in real , Thanks to the never giving up , incessant wishing of my husband to see Taj Mahal , it was worth every wishing .

I feel much relaxed after meeting my family , hugging my mother tight and annoying her until she starts yelling .Noticing the changes in her face , few more wrinkles now , newfound behavioral changes in my father, he actually started speaking more ( you can read it as  too much)  and repeating everything he says as if trying to remember things like a small child, he has started sleeping like a cat in every corner of the house for his small nap and don’t you dare tell him that he actually slept while we were talking !

I met my cousins and we had our overnight talks which ended up until 8 am in morning. Kids grown up fast entering their teenage , babies grown up  , now losing their front teeth , some new additions in family crying all night and not letting their parents sleep . My grandparents overjoyed to see us and not letting us go  .

I think it is already long briefing of my vacations, I keep the rest for other posts as well, Hope you had good time as well while I was away  🙂

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How to stop being Judgemental ??

Life is a constant process of learning, unlearning and relearning things or ‘better things’  would be more appropriate  ,  in order to make our and others life better. In the first 20 years of my life I was just learning things, the process was to grasp as much as possible from my surroundings and observations, there were some analytical processes in background but not much.  The time after my twenties started with the unlearning process of many things I have known in wrong way, and re learning started in parallel, the struggle is ongoing and I guess it would remain the same till we are alive. We are in constant process of learning stuff and this quest should never end.

One of the things we learnt while growing up is judging things. We need to have our judgement about life, everyday situations and what we think of others. A person without an opinion is considered to be dumb at least in my society, so everyone is always expected to have an opinion about everything. Is having an opinion also a part of judgement? I think yes, otherwise how can I have an opinion about someone If I didn’t judge and how do I give my opinion ?  I put other person in my shoes and think what could I have done in this case. Yes , you read it correctly I didn’t mistyped the line, I actually meant we put other person in our shoes, rather than being in his shoes because we are still judging him somewhere, the process is so much part of our thinking mechanism that even while saying not judging we are actually doing it .

What can we then do about it?  Many things, first  we need to constantly put a check on ourselves whenever we form an opinion, Are we judging someone based on so and so reasons?  You can either agree with someone or disagree with, when you do not agree to somebody’s idea, thoughts or actions which is not in accordance to your school of thoughts, and form an opinion about it, it often end up in bad judgment. To be aware is problem half solved.

There are many ways how people handle it, the best one I have come across is  a method/formula. Being an engineer, formulas goes more quickly into my head  and are  easier to remember. It is called DUAL method, I have put it down here for you.

 

DUAL Method :

dualmatrixDon’t pass judgment: Hold on to the urge of passing a judgement. Take some time to think.

Understand: Try to understand the situation, circumstances .Two people can react differently to same situation. Try to walk in his shoes and see through his perspective.

Accept: Accept the person with his faults, his different opinion and choices.

Love: Love the person as fellow human being, nothing can beat  love and compassion.

A very good article where you can read more on this method  is mentioned below:

Reference for DUAL method :http://zenhabits.net/a-simple-method-to-avoid-being-judgmental-yes-that-means-you/

End of Project

Hello Everyone ! Yes Don’t be surprised  I am still alive :D, I know I have been off this blog for almost a week but finally my stressful project is over Alhamdolillah.   Like every difficult situation, this project too taught me new things of which  I was scared to do in beginning  but at the end I was enjoying doing them.  There is no doubt that success lies outside our comfort zone, sometimes we need to push ourselves much  which causes us some pain and distress , and we start to think we are pushing  ourselves beyond our limits but it is not true, we actually don’t know our limits , only Allah knows what He has put in us,what we are capable of .He throws us  in a situation just to make us realize of our unrealized capability !

Few things I would like to share with you that helped me during my project :

Planning is very important:  A Good Planning is half done, Break your project into doable tasks and assign a timeline for each .

Putting extra hours in executing : You might have to put extra hours to reach your planned timeline for completing the tasks, since you will stumble upon  unknown problems as you keep moving forward.(Better to add some time in your planning for such unwelcomed guest problems)

Donot be shy and ask Help : If you think you are stuck in a problem too long , ask help from your colleagues or friends, donot waste much time looking for it. May be someone can help you solve it in 5 mins.

Too tired and problem doesn’t get solved : Take a break, go home , if at home go out ,take some fresh air and then analyze problem with fresh mind.

Ideally I should be celebrating it, jumping crazy on my bed and running  round and round in my home since I almost worked day and night to complete this assignment but I am not doing any of it as my husband is away for some work and alone is no fun 😦

I was making plans of how can I keep myself busy with out him , but boredom is so annoying , It doesn’t let you do anything interesting.

While I am going to refill my water bottle, you can enjoy here my first bitstrips that’s  all I did for today,

bitstrip1

 

Some days are Murphy’s days!

Wednesday morning I had my lazy version out and I was snoozing my alarm by every 5 minutes until I saw the time and it was time to scream and jump out of bed and start the brushing and rushing routine. I almost ran to catch my metro just to know  there was a problem in track and there was no metro  for another 20 minutes at least , so I knew that it was Murphy’s day and his rules  were playing on,

Murphy how genious you were !

  • Everything takes longer than you think.
  • Everything takes longer than it takes.
  • Anything that can go wrong will go wrong.

So I saw  more and more people swarming in the metro station every 5 minutes and soon it was  packed with angry faces all around, one of them was mine too 😛

After waiting for 30 minutes , finally  a metro arrived! A sigh of relief and some smiles around. As soon as I moved forward to step in, there was an announcement  saying ‘this metro has some problem and needs to be vacated ! ‘ , so the people inside also came out  to join us with even more angrier faces .

After 10 minutes we had another metro but already packed with people! I tried to enter but I was pushed out by people.OKAY,alright , I tried again and I was pushed back again, so I tried hard third time but I was pushed back with even more strength  until the door closed automatically on my face!

So I stood there to see the metro leaving ! I know I looked funny then ! My husband had a nice laugh already when I told him what happened that day and he is laughing again that I even made a post about it 🙂

Coming back to my story I was then waiting  for next metro which gave me enough time to calm down ,I didn’t feel  rush or hurry  anymore  because I was already late.A little late or too late is any way late! I suddenly remembered my everyday commuting with Delhi metro for almost 2 years,the incident pushed me back to old memories ! Busy metro stations , lines to get in metros, pushing people ,rushing people,some angry faces having bad day,others listening to Radio Mirchi or their playlists, some chatting in their phones and remaining peeking into their neighbour’s phones! .Waiting for next metro in Delhi in hope of  less crowd  was a waste of thoughts as the metro could be more packed but not less 😛 I was mostly standing in ladies compartment and sometimes traveling with my foot on somebody else’s feet,embarrassed to look up into other’s eyes but to be surprised to see a smiling face saying ”It is alright,don’t worry .This is Delhi Metro.”

Human beings are same everywhere and so are their reactions! As soon as we had crowd in metro station here, there was no rule! only chaos to rush in the metro first ! or I would say the reactions were stronger here compared to India  because people in Belgium are not habitual  to seeing so many people or travelling this way! Some were almost in panic and overwhelmed! We do not know how we will react to a certain situation until it arises and  I exactly saw it there!

so Murphy’s day was over that day with some observational   human  and self analysis !

Ending with another of his law:

Smile ,Tomorrow can be worse  

(donot kill me for this one :P)

Where is your curiosity leading you ?

Well ,Had not been Newton curious enough we would never  have known why apple falls downwards and not upwards, Curiosity is a great thing, it has led us  to reason,to know and eventually to grow.

I see curious people everywhere , meet them every now and then, offline and online.

No no, my post is not about differently curious people like Newton but generally curious people around us, who are always curious to know what is happening in others life , What are rest of the people  doing ? Spying around more than intelligent services.

BeingCurious_MEME

Some very normal questions in India –

If you are unmarried , so when are you getting married ??

If you are married, when are you giving us good news for the baby?

If you are student, when will you get your results ? Your marks?

That was the  funny part, but problem arises when you start asking  intimidating questions which has nothing to do with you .

for example:

You know that someone is looking for a job, why  ask him about his job every time you see him ?

You know she never talks about her husband or in laws, why to ask her about them You never know what she is hiding behind her silence.

If someone shared  his wedding pictures, to tell  him/her

‘I thought you were already married ‘or

‘ I think I saw your wedding pictures  before as well,’

until he/she tells(actually yells at)  you ,‘Yes I got divorced and am married again,’

‘Oh I am sorry,’  

No,  he/she doesn’t need your sorry, You already did your job of hurting that person.Just be more kind, empathetic and sensitive.You never have to be sorry then.

Sending messages to someone you never talked in years just to know something about him/her that you heard from someone aka confirming the rumors??

Asking questions  starting with ”If you don’t mind ?? or ending up with a hehehe..”   If you think he/she  will mind,Why to ask? and It is not funny even with a ‘hehehe’ !

Why to become so insensitive  just to feed your curiosity?

( Disclaimer : It is not for anyone specific.Many of us do get curious and might end up  hurting others unintentionally , For everyone who reads it, It is ‘you’ asking your inner self and not  Me as writer 😀 !)

We are all guilty of doing it sometimes to feed our curiosities, Just think for a while, before asking a personal question to someone .

Could it hurt some one?  if  Yes! better not ask it.

Do I need this information, What do I have to do with this information about him/her ? If your answer is nothing , better not ask it.

The Mean Gene!

As I have start to move a bit further on scale of my age( and Weight too 😉  ) , the behavior/habits I have laughed  about my grandmother and father , those traits have started to surface in my behavior too ,  two of the things I have started doing which accredit to these culprit genes :

My father and my grandmother(his mother), always call the person they are talking to with the name of person who is not present  there at that moment! We always have to correct them, My father sometimes  calls me Nadira which is the name of his youngest sister and when he is with her, He often calls her Sana (my name) .It is the same with my grandmother, she always calls me with name of my cousin who is not present there 🙂 It is funny and irritating at same time! Well I did the same thing to one of my colleague during lunch time this week, twice and he reminded me , it’s not his name 😀 I  felt the attack of those mean genes first time! Gosh Not ME !!

The second behavior: my father is always talking of something he felt bad about or been angry about for long time .Everyday  you talk to him, he will repeat it to you and you always have to remind him,” forget it Daddy, it’s over!!”  but he remains  so emotional and angry about it for days until something worse happens and he talks about the later one then. I am doing the same thing from past one week, every time at dinner table I discuss the same thing   I was angry about  ,to my husband and he tells me the same thing, “Forget about it dear!! You don’t have to take everything to your heart!! ”

I told him, don’t worry it’s not me, it’s the Mean Genes once again !!

Though miles apart, how we behave like our parents or grandparents , it’s incredible!! How we sit like them, walk like them, make same faces!! Its simply amazing!

I could only remember  the meaning of  a verse of Quran ‘ To which of the favors of your Lord, Will you deny’ , and my heart replies  ‘None my King ,none!! ‘