The pressures of modern working women!-Part 1

Recently I have had some conversations with few of friends and I have gone through this phase myself ,the topic doesn’t  leave me for sometime.  The pressures of an urban girl, our modern working women!

The social progress and  development has given a lot of rights to women : Education, Equality, Work etc and we have excelled in all of the fields .We have dreamed , aspired , struggled and achieved our dreams to be educated and financially independent . While we were flying high  happily  in our lives  suddenly we had our strings  pulled back  because we have  hit 26 ,some 28 or 30 years in age and are still single. This pressure to be married and settled down is so much that it overshadows all the achievements of girls , from being an achiever  they  are reduced to a status of poor girls who are not yet married. Their families are in constant pressure to get their daughters married in our South East Asian societies . With each passing birthday , they have another year of being a ‘yet unmarried girl’. Not talking about the details of going into an arranged marriage and those pains of rejections or being forced to settle for someone who is not even their worth or match just because the clock is ticking.

Since the time we have remembered being ourselves as girls, we had this constant pressure of proving ourselves  to what boys  can do or are allowed to do . Infact this pressure of doing things turns into outperforming them and also became  passion . The performance had boosted  our confidence and self respect and we had got habitual of living with dignity and pride when all of sudden people around us starting stealing it in form of concern and pity. Why do we even  allow ourselves to be reduced to an object of pity for others.We have put all of lives to become what we are today and then this constant  pressure of marriage is draining all our energies (and later on it  brings additional roles and responsibilities that I have kept for other parts of this topic) and for some even deviating from their life’s goal. They want to study further or get a better position in their work , or travel and later  think about Marriage , Why not respect their opinions ?

I think it is not only  working women’s problem  who should somehow found a way to solve their problem  but we need a collective change in mindset of our society to accept that there is  not  only  a single  age bracket to get married and once you pass that age you will not get married. We need to come out of that closed box thinking of being limited to our traditions and cultures , Be kind enough to understand  these women who just finished their studies , started working, some of them still paying their education loans  are now grilled with this pressure and are piling up the stress . So many of us have started having health issues which mostly are result of chronic stress.The message is not only for these urban working ladies to be strong enough to handle this pressure of marriage but also to our society to be gentle enough , to be more kind and more mature to accept the change and let go of their preconceived notion of marriageable age.

I am not against marriage , there is nothing better than a good marriage and also nothing worse than a bad marriage so we need to choose wisely . Why rush or be sad for things not happening right now. Things will happen  at their own time , till then we need to continue living our lives. The ultimate goal of life is not only marriage . Do things that you love, increase your knowledge , learn new things , travel , practice kindness  and patience and most importantly never ever give up your confidence   !

More to be followed soon in other parts  🙂

For You

When I first met you I wasn’t looking for anyone but a friend. We bonded instantly over the numerous similarities we share with each other. Sometimes my thoughts resonate in your mind and your feelings in my heart. You knew me so well in so less time we have known each other that the barrier of language doesn’t exist and I kept wondering how two people who do not know each other’s language could possible understand better than ones who speak your own language.

I was a strong woman looking for a strong man to share my life with, but over the time period I had given up, I was happy with the way my life was moving , I have accepted to be alone , to  manage my life  and everyday hurdles and then one day you just appeared  proving me all wrong. Allah has His ways of working secretly in people’s hearts; He loves to prove people wrong  about their sureties! When you are so sure about yourself and what you want, He is then there to prove you all wrong! Because there are layers of truths lying beneath your heart which one can never discover and reach until He the Almighty removes those covers of ego, greed and our self-love. You came as a mirror of my own self, sometimes showing me my better side and sometimes ugly side too. Probably I was too tired walking alone and you came as big tree where I can rest. One cannot be strong all the time and by struggling with life every day you keep on losing your energies and strength; you need stronger people in your life that can love you, support you, advise you and nurture you with their kind words and gestures and you just came in the right moment when Allah has planned it for us.

The idea of getting dependent on someone used to scares me. What if that person leaves me and go? Where would I stand then? Will I be able to piece myself up together and walk again? My mind was so not ready to live with anyone, to be prone and expose my inner self and weaknesses. The decision to get married was difficult for my mind and its fears while the heart was at rest saying I knew you before we met on this earth and it trusted you instantly.

While all the time you kept asking me what I liked in you and why I agreed to marry you and I have always answered I do not know 🙂 which has always annoyed you and I love  to see your reactions. Well the answer is probably everything  , it is hard to decide what I don’t like about you. Our relationship is more implicit one where we hardly express and say many things, but for today since it is your birthday I decided to write and I am hoping you might read it too as you always read my blog 😉

Thank you Allah for bringing you in my life and I pray to Allah that He fulfil all your dreams and gladden your heart as you do to the ones around you.

High Expectations from your Spouse ?

I often have thoughts about writing on Marriage and Relationships but I always keep postponing since I  think myself a novice at advising people who are already married for years but I think I am experienced enough for newly married people or people going to be married soon .

Marriage is a wonderful bond where two people come forward with a  shared thought of spending rest of their lives together .Both of them have already a  set of expectations from each other .The main reason of conflict among newlyweds is often Higher Expectations which  lead to loss of trust and interest in married life which has just begun . We all live inside our  bubble world of dreams, we have an image of our future spouse in our minds how he/she  would be, how their behavior should be with us in our perfect ideal world

                                                             BUT

life is different so is every individual , Coming face to face with reality is a tough ride , how you take this ride and degree of your acceptance to it defines your future married life.The way you have lived your life until now is different from how he/She has been living so far.Coming together under one roof after spending almost half of your life somewhere else is already a  big move in itself.

Marriage is not only about getting new clothes, deciding wedding albums  and choosing honeymoon destinations . Marriage is a big responsibility of your own self towards another.Thanks to TV, Media for setting all wrong expectations in our minds especially for girls that  a prince charming will come to  take us away and we then say bye bye to all our life long problems.Life will be fun ! eating,  shopping and merry making ever after.  Sorry to say that , it only happens on TV and in stories.

The natural behavior of man and woman has lot more differences than you have actually read or thought about, and this you experience once you start living with your partner. Women are more emotional, more talkative and yearning for expressions of love from their husbands! Men on the other hand  are practical human race who have a set of things of to do everyday, wife also becomes a part of routine and the special something becomes everyday thing (my own thoughts ). It is not that he doesn’t love you now or you’re not special person in his life, this is how he is! Expressing as we expect them to  is not at all man’s thing! TV  and phones are their inseparable sweethearts. A daily tiring work routine completely takes off their energy to be so excited to see you in evening or talk to you incessantly! A good meal is preferred over  rant about in laws or maids or life in general.

How do we  women take it ? It often start with small complains first  and then these  complains become  arguments leading to fights and soon a loving new couple finds themselves amidst a fight every now and then.

• I think first thing to do is never ever involve any of your parents in your fights. Solve it between you two.
• If you think a discussion is leading into a heated argument, where one of you is losing temper, Stop it there. Tell him/her to discuss it when their mood is better. There is no point talking to an angry person who has no power to rationalize things.
• Living by example, show your partner how you would like to be treated ,treat them that special way, First Give and then expect .
• Find some common activity  to spend time with each other like cooking together, taking a walk outside or praying together .
• Don’t force yourself on other person for things she/he doesn’t like.Respect their choices and opinions.
• Don’t forget to celebrate the differences ! Of course we are not mirror images, there will always be differences but it should never come to our hearts.Once in while try to do things your partner likes to make him/her feel special. Wear their favorite color, cook or bring their favorite food.
• Watch your tone while talking to your partner, we often take each other for granted . A well mannered tone with respectful words for putting your point could never lead to a fight.
• Every human being has flaws ,our spouses and us are no exception either. We need to accept their flawed real version than the perfect version from our dreams .We have to overlook  each other’s mistakes and retain the sweetness of love.
• Give it time, time is best therapy. Marriage too needs time like everything else. You would be soon well adjusted with each other’s way of life and know each other like nobody ever did.

The Idea of a simple marriage!

For us ,the idea of a simple wedding is very boring , there is no fun in it,  no music, no big gathering ,not a good venue?? What ??

Although being muslims ,Islam encourages us to have simpler marriages, but if we look to our wedding extravaganza, it is no where even close to being simple!

A marriage has more meaning than only having fun ,music or good food ! it is how you start your life ,,with values, expectations and commitments.A great wedding cannot  ensure you a happy life or vice versa .

In times of  our Prophet,wedding were simple affairs, if someone has no money to throw even a small feast , people were bringing their own food to eat together, the idea was to share the happiness and give good wishes for new life.Even teaching some verses of Quran to bride was acceptable  as a mahr(wedding gift) from groom. Well now, we look down upon people whose wedding locations do not  seem good enough, we don’t even want to attend !! The idea of being simple is  now more associated with poverty , but even if someone is poor, Is it a shame ?? How our society looks  down at poor people even rips their self esteem as if they committed a crime !

Well to keep within the topic, I would come back to the advantages that I observed from a simple marriage , I have listed here, hope it helps people who support this idea too , :

1. Does not put financial burden on your parents and yourself.You don’t have to delay your wedding  for years to save thousands of bucks and then spending all that hard-earned money just in one day,
2. Avoids unnecessary stress before and after the wedding which doesn’t let you enjoy the best moments of your life.
3. Gives you enough time to enjoy,  You can offer your obligatory prayers peacefully, personally meet your guests, Imagine it is your most important day and you are missing your prayers??  Why ? because you are too dressed up in that suffocating heavy dress, oodles of makeup, jewellery and high heels, you can hardly walk without support, and you need to be on stage for your guests at cost of missing your Salah! That’s how most of us start our new life ,
4. Otherwise you are busy doing some traditions which makes you exhausted in all the events ranging from 1-4 days depending on place/traditions.
5. Avoiding social pressure of how their idea of marriage should be like, it’s your wedding and it should be based on your suitability not theirs.
6. Avoid Expectation of people about the event, their unwelcome judgements ranging from everything you wear, how you looked ,how your wedding has been organised, your budget ,what has your father given you in  presents (dowry between the brackets) , and what has your husband given you as gift, they want to know everything.

for point 5,6 the question is why are we doing this to ourselves ?

Giving liberty to others to give opinion about our life, and how  our wedding should be organised ? Judging girl’s father on basis of place he chose for the wedding or food he ordered for the guests but not what is actually giving away, a fully grown  piece of his heart which he has so well-preserved all his life? Who let them judge us or our family? of course it’s us .. we played  victims  of society, and let it happen , however great our wedding could be , people will anyway find some flaws , especially some in-laws to put down their new daughter in law and her family .

I truly support the idea of simple wedding, which revolves around feelings and not show off, how much money or gifts you give to your daughter, it will never make sure her happiness !! Her happiness lies in finding a  person who values her for who she is ,not how much money she is worth for. Your daughter is priceless , you as a girl are priceless, your feelings your emotions are more valuable than anything! Know your self-worth  ! Look for the right man not the rich man and things will become easy for you InshaAllah.

P.S: I am trying to live the sunnah and experience the beauty of it.Life is getting simpler and easier.,Alhamdolillah.

(some common vocabulary for people who don’t know: Salah is obligatory prayer for a muslim and Sunnah are sayings/teachings/practices of our prophet)

For my wordpress friends : I also have a FB page for my blog, dont forget to  check it: https://www.facebook.com/MyHijabDiaries

Pre -Wedding Nerves ,Anxiety ?? Read on !!

Few days or weeks  before the wedding every girl is nervous , anxious , over emotional  or in other words  ‘getting cold feet‘  . The idea of spending your entire life with someone,  thoughts about uncertainty of future life, upcoming responsibilities etc makes you super nervous  even though you have known your future husband for a long time or not, doesn’t matter .

The most important thing in a marriage is being with the right person , rest everything comes later!!, good times ,bad times, relatives, in laws, etc,

If he is a righteous  person , he will stand by your side through everything.

Would like to share some of my  thoughts coming from my experience to calm you down and  be more sure  that you are going to hold  the  right hands .

You are with the right person if :

• He respect your parents and get along with them well, whether it is an arrange marriage or not, you can always find out if he cares for your parents or not . Being a girl you cannot be happy if your husband doesn’t respect you parents .
• Do you feel comfortable around him or talking to him? Are you able to share your feelings and speak your heart out ? Is he genuinely interested in  your feelings and gives you advice.
• You feel more confident and content after talking to him.
• He generally doesn’t make you wait , as he is more excited to see  or call you .
• He is generally polite to other people .If he is polite to others, he can never be rude to you, it is not in his nature.
• Surprise you with small little things that you love or  you never told him specifically  like your favorite chocolate or you favorite coffee, or a favorite flavor ,something you were talking about for long . It just shows how much he cares for you and your liking.
• He tries to be friend with your friends 🙂 so you can all hang out together later !
• You never feel tied up or stressed  because of the relationship , your heart is at peace for the choice you have made or your parents made for you (  an arranged marriages)
• Last but not the least, He gives you ‘Your time’ to be alone or go out with
  your friends or do something that you like, not bothering you with phone calls or restricting you to go out with your friends or family.

Well, I think it’s enough to know that you are with right person so go ahead enjoy your time! and don’t forget to thank Allah for sending the right guy for you.

P.S: I tried to take into account also the arranged marriages in India  where you have courtship period to know your future husband .